Value

I have struggled for a long time with the concept of WHO I AM as a wife and then, more recently, as a mother. In our society we are constantly bombarded by who is valuable--what the person looks like, what they have and by what kind of work they do. Well, I am currently on year five of an identity crisis. The Bible and many people that I greatly admire tell me one thing. My society (be it in the U.S. or here in the Philippines) tells me something else. What makes me valuable?

In my struggle I have become somewhat bitter about who I am right now. My "job" looks so mundane. Even as a missionary I am sort of second rate because I don't have a ministry outside my home at this point. I'm not changing the world. I'm not affecting large groups of people. I'm here at home organizing our lives, cooking meals, washing dishes, changing diapers, wiping faces, trying to make sure I have enough time for my husband despite the time and energy I put into being a mom. And as soon as I think, "Ah hah! Here's my chance! Max is getting older. I have more energy!" we get a little surprise in the form of a positive pregnancy test (that's a different issue altogether).

So, because I'm "sacrificing" so much (you know, sacrificing the approving looks of the outside world, the pat on the back from the feminists--for lack of a better word, and that stamp "Super Mom" which actually means "Wow! You take care of your husband and children as well as working 8+ hours a day outside the home, are involved in the PTA, head up two ministries at church and have the energy to hang out with the girls one night a week!") I feel like my son and my husband "owe" it to me. Max owes it to me to be a good boy and not throw his food on the floor or act silly at nap time or throw a fit in the middle of the mall. Mike owes it to me for ALL that I do for him and for sacrificing what I "could be."

So the other afternoon, as I'm carrying laundry to the back room, still feeling a bit frustrated from my almost sabotaged attempts to get Max down for his nap, I hear that little voice inside. I feel I can safely say that voice is God's. It wasn't mine and it wasn't any evil being's. The voice said, "Take joy in what I've given you to do." It was clear, pure and exactly what I needed to hear. And it keeps coming back to me when that bitterness begins to creep in. "Take joy in what I've given you to do." I have been placing my value in what I think other people see as valuable. Therefore, I resent the "littleness" of my identity. I don't think that's how God sees me. I'm pretty sure I am exactly where He wants me and I can say with confidence with the Bible backing me that He considers me valuable. He considers my role and my identity valuable. It is what He has given me to do.

And by the way, no one owes me anything. Mike, Max and myself owe everything to Jesus Christ for dying for us and giving us a new life. I shouldn't expect something of my son or my husband because they owe it to me. They owe whatever is good and right to God, and so do I.

I'm not saying that I'm jumping around with joy as I wash dishes or walk around the block ONE MORE TIME in 85 degree heat with 90% humidity because Max wants to. BUT, I'm getting somewhere. I'm moving forward with this "identity crisis" that I've been in. Those words just keep coming back to me when I want to be resentful, "Take joy in what I've given you to do."