About 7 months ago Mike and I heard about some needs at an orphanage nearby. There were several children abandoned at the hospital around the same time and the director needed to find foster parents. We decided to check it out even though we knew we probably couldn't do anything about it until we were finished with language study. So, we drove to the orphanage to ask questions and see what the place was like.
The director, from North America, brought a baby down to show us right away. She was a couple weeks old but about 4 weeks premature. Tiny, beautiful, healthy, strong. Abandoned at birth by her mother. Why? I guess we'll never know. The director named her Raina Grace, raina meaning queen in Tagalog (the most common language here in the Philippines). Queen of grace. Max was jealous but completely taken by her tiny little bottle of milk.
I fell in love right away, of course. We decided pretty quickly that we couldn't foster for a few months at least. I was struggling enough with one child and language school. But I dreamed and prayed about the possibilities in the future. It actually scared me to death to think of fostering. I have this gift, you know, the kind that is a gift and a curse--compassion, empathy. I put myself in other's situations. I lay my heart out there and then it gets all chopped up. I'm afraid of the chopping, the pain, the endless tears. So, I was afraid of fostering, but the idea grew and grew. It was all I could think of.
Max and I went back to the orphanage to sit with the kids and hold tiny Raina Grace. School continued. Mike's parents came for a visit. Time passed. About 2 months after we met Raina Grace I was took a pregnancy test. When I saw the positive sign my heart fell, I have to be honest. I couldn't imagine how I could even handle being pregnant, giving birth and caring for two instead of one. Much less could I imagine taking care of three, especially along with the emotional load of a foster child. But I also couldn't imagine allowing a fresh little life grow up in an orphanage where she didn't get as many cuddles and kisses and skin to skin contact that she needed. I COULD do this for her. It is POSSIBLE. By the way, the orphanage is a great one. It is run by believers and there's a lot of love and prayers holding each child up. But there simply isn't enough time to give 10 babies in one room with one helper the attention they need. So, to say the least, I was torn.
I got over the "disappointment" of the positive pregnancy test. I love babies and ever since weaning Max I have wanted another one. I just thought it would come in a different form. I even blocked out the thoughts of Raina Grace for awhile. I didn't visit the orphanage for a couple months. Finally, when I went back, I hardly recognized her.
The door is not closed for our family to foster, but I know for sure at this time, though language school is over, that I cannot do it. I am struggling too much with pregnancy (though it is an easy one) and Max to think I could give my all to Mike, Max, Mini Me AND Raina Grace right now. I hate that. It feels like a cop out to me because I realize the impact we could have on this one little life. Things could be so different for her.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I want Raina Grace. But I also want her to be in someone's home with someone's tender, constant care and attention. I don't want to be selfish and keep her all to myself. I'm not sure if she's in a position (paperwork wise) to be adopted yet, but if there's anyone out there who wants to start the process...she's here as well as many others like her.
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